if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
