I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
