I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
