UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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