eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
