yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
