I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
