New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize