Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
