Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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