I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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