his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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