Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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