Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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