Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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