i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
