If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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