The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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