I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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