hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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