Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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