On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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