Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
