When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
