Taylor Swift is so right about you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
