I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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