i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
