Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Randomize