I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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