i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
