I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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