ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hippo gnu deer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
