Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
