I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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