Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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