when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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