I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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