I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize