You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We had sex on a dog bed..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
