what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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