I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
