I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
