Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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