This dress was meant to end up on your floor
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
