I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
