How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
