just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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