Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He felt like a one man threesome
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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