Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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