You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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