FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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