Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
