After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
