I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
