textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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